was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
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AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)