*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
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[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor