the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
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The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Baller is short for ballerina
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change