ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
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pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish