Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
You Might Also Like
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
NSFW tweet
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Unionize your workplace
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances: