My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
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Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
tell em, edith-anne