Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
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Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Always a metermaid never a meter
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Free him
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.