Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
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The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
The Friday File.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Ghost costume 😂
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
relationship goals
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.