My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
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If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
How is it still this week?
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already