my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
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This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.