My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
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The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far