We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
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Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
spot the difference
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Alexa, make me look good naked.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED