Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
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My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise