The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
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*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
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! ! ! !
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.