Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
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Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Is this the real life?
Is this just
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.