My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
You Might Also Like
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.