If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
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My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?