MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
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<- sleeps well with others
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.