Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
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Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets