i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
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with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today