I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
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Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.