JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
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HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
At least my masseuse has my back.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Well, this certainly took a turn