[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
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Breaking news:
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
My dog after a walk in the woods.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.