If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
You Might Also Like
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes