I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
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Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Would you wear it?
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
You can’t outrun your problems…
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.