Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
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wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Can’t. Being lazy.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know