I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
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WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?