I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
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What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute