Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
You Might Also Like
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
WTF IS AN ACRONYM