[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
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When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
not for long
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
No way!
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering