My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
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When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.