[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
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“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
These are too funny not to post 😂
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Mission: Impossible
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.