Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
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me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.