Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
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Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water