[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
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*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
if my sleeping schedule was a person
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.