NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
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Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
sigh