Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
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Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.