My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
You Might Also Like
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.