Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
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Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.