Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
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My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up