you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
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[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”