Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
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My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Pigeon open mic night.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.