Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
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“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)