The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
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Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.