I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
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How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
hmmm
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts