Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
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I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.