Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
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[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
yea so i messed up lol
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
…u ok Nintendo?
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!