mechanics be like
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I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time