Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
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Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
She: I like Cats
He:
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Hello Twits.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!