🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
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[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well